If the fact that we are conservative christians who feel called to adopt special needs orphans from the uttermost parts of the earth doesn't quite make us weird enough, we also homeschool.
I know.
Really.
Who's surprised?
We really try hard to go out of our way to fulfill the stereotypical image of conservative, evangelical Jesus freaks.
But, hey. It's who we are.
Or rather Whose we are that makes us this way.
And we're unashamed.
And at least, I haven't traded my shorts in for a "skirts only" wardrobe and let my hair grow past my behind, though I love the Duggars and all they stand for.
No, I'm afraid I lean more toward the funky dyed hair, pierced nose, and (gasp) tasteful tattoo end of the spectrum. But I'm afraid to get my nose pierced or a tattoo because my mama disapproves. And I'm pretty sure she would spank me.
But this post isn't about tattoos, dyed hair or pierced noses. It's about homeschool.
I love it AND I hate it.
I love having my children around so that I can intentionally and thoughtfully instill in them our family's values throughout the day without having to try and squeeze it in on Sundays or between music lessons, dinner and football practice. I love reading real books by great authors like Treasure Island, Little House on the Prairie, Tom Sawyer and The Red Badge of Courage while my guys snuggle with me on the couch. I love seeing the light turn on in their eyes when they've learned something new and wonderful.
But I HATE the constant struggle to balance managing a home, nurturing relationships, caring for my special needs child, partnering with my husband in ministry, and washing the dadgum underwear. Nevermind having time to take care of myself. I hate that it almost takes an act of Congress for me to get out of the house to have a hair cut, go to the doctor, or have dinner with my best friend (another too busy pastor's wife and homeschooling mom). I have to coordinate the schedules of at least 5 people just to do that, sometimes more. I feel like a jack of all trades and master of none. I don't do anything well. Corners get cut everywhere in an attempt to get it all done. And my nerves can get very frayed. In those times, the "me" my family gets is no gift at all.
And I long to simplify.
Some parts of this life I chose. Other parts were chosen for me.
The last 7 homeschooling days have really stunk. We've had one good day. 1 out of 7 is 14%. Never in the past has it been this hard so early on.
And I've been struggling over how much to really expect from myself. Is it really reasonable for me to expect that I can juggle managing a home, raising children (some with special needs), being a pastor's wife, AND educating my kids? Each one of those is a full-time job on its own.
I ask myself if I continue to homeschool because, in some twisted way, I think it's what the truly spiritual and selfless do? Because I want to be in control?
I can tell you that I am fearful of public school and what it could do to my children. But I'm fearful of what my overwhelmed state of mind can do to us as well.
I'm fearful of the adjustment period when we bring another special needs child home. We've walked that road before and it was HARD. We're going in with eyes wide open this time, expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I don't want to start out in that challenge already frazzled and fatigued. For me, that's a recipe for depression. And depression is some ugly junk.
So, pray for me if you think about it. I love my God and I love my family. I want to do the very best job I can for my family for the glory of my Savior. My Savior and my family are the reasons I live. But sometimes the answers aren't black and white.
My Superwoman cape is feeling a little tattered.
Heather
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