Some may have seen my Facebook post about being one big step closer to South Korea.
The Lord has been faithful and we have crossed the homestudy bridge.
This is pretty significant, particularly in South Korean adoptions since South Korea requires no dossier.
Hopefully we'll hear later this week about the next steps that are specific to South Korea. Of course, like every mother everywhere, I want to know our "due date." For families adopting internationally that is the approximate date that we can expect to travel. I want to know how much longer I have to wait.
I know that in my posts here and on FB I have come across as excited about bringing Zach home.
I am. No doubt. I'm excited to add to our family with this very special little guy.
I'm also nervous and not just a little scared.
Why?
...Because our lives are very full as it is. Too full lots of days if you ask me. And I struggle with balance. I want to be everywhere and do everything with everyone and I can't.
...Because sometimes I am overwhelmed by sweet M's needs and there are days now that I do not want to have to call another doctor or arrange another test, or sit down with another specialist. It's too draining and painful. I have said more than once to the Reverend Husband, "What in the world are we going to do with two little guys like M?"
...Because I'm worried Zach might not be a good sleeper either and how in the world will I parent without sleep? I NEED sleep. I am an ugly person in every way when I haven't had it.
...Because I'm worried what else we'll find out about Zach once he gets home. M's adoption was such a surprise on so many levels. So many things came to light after the fact. It makes me wonder what we'll discover this go 'round.
...Because I'm afraid of the dark place that I was in just a few months after M came home. I know that dark place was because I had unreasonable expectations of M, and of myself. This go 'round I'm going to hope for the best and expect the worse. But I am afraid that part of "the worst" will include another bout with the demon of depression. Unfortunately he knows all to well where I live. But I want him to go to hell and stay there.
So given all these fears, why do we proceed? Are these good reasons to stop?
No. I don't think so. I have done a lot of soul searching because there are a lot of really logical reasons why this might not be a good idea.
But whether or not something makes sense to you and the others around you isn't always a good measure of whether God is asking you to do it. God speaks to His children. He has called us to this, and ultimately it's a matter of obedience. In times past, when God has spoken to our hearts and led us in a particular direction, it has rarely been "logical." But each and every time, when we have stepped out in faith to pursue what we believe He has called us to do, He has shown up in a BIG, God-sized way that has made it more than clear that we were doing exactly as He planned.
God has confirmed to us that this is the direction for us.
He has shown Himself in the details already. I know He'll continue to show up even on the days that I don't want to.
He'll change me, remake me, refine me again. It won't be comfortable. It won't be easy. Life will change. Life will look different. Life will be harder in some ways.
I will be forced to learn to die to myself again and again and be more like Christ.
But is that really such a bad lesson to have to learn and re-learn?
Someone once defined courage like this. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to move forward in spite of it.
It's the way God calls us to live.
"Be strong and courageous....The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:7 - 8
Heather
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